the Rivestaurant

The Slow Larry

The Slow Larry began to take form as a burger, circa 2007 when my band lived in a b-dup house on Acadia Drive, Calgary Alberta. Coincidentally, that same band was born out of the ashes of a barn they caused to be burned down, May Long Weekend, 2006 - their first show. 

It saw many transformations including being the first episode we ever shot. It was right around tax return season, because it was the same day Sean and I bought our first camera from future shop with my tax return. rookie movie.

Enough about the history… oh yeah…. It’s called a Slow Larry because of what happens the next day… Bon Appetitefordestruction.

Here’s how to make it.

YOUR WILL NEED

BURGER
1 lb ground Beef
1 lb ground pork
aprox. 1/2 lb bacon
cheddar cheese (shredded)
4 cloves roasted garlic
1/2 an Onion
1 TBLS Paprika
1 egg
1 TBLS bbq sauce
1 TSP tarragon
s&p
1 roasted jalapeno

CORN RELISH
1 roasted corn on the cob
1 roasted jalapeno
2 TBLS Sugar
1 TBSL Apple Cider Vinegar
Lemon Zest

ONIONS
1/4 Cup Bacon fat
1 1/2 TBLS butter
1 TSP cayanne
1 TBLS Whiskey
1 Drop Liquid Smoke

CHIPOTLE MAYOLI
1/2 cup Mayo
1 TBLS Chipotle
3 Cloves Roast Garlic
Lemon Zest

ALSO
Buns
Dandelion Leaves
Tomato
olive oil

Smash each one of those things together… and then smash the new things that you made together and get it in your face.

WATCH THE VIDEO

I made a post yesterday about Danedelion and how eating it will make you crush everything. But Dandelion is bitter and a few people might not be sure what to use it with. Here’s an easy recipe that goes great in fish tacos with Grilled White Fish… ie) Blackened Halibut. Try it out. 

Shopping list 

• A bunch Dandelion greens
• 4 Radishes
• 1 tsp Poppyseeds
• 1/2 Shallot
• 1/2 Red Onion
• 1/2 Cup Mayo
• 1 tsp Honey
• 1 tsp of white wine vinegar
• 1/2 tsp Paprika 
• Sea Salt and Pepper

1. Stack Dandelion leaves on top of each other and roll into what looks like a dandelion doobie. (This is just a flashy and effiecievt way of schopping them.
2. Thinly slice dandelion and place in bowl.
3. Julienne Radishes, Shallot and Red Onion and add to bowl along with other ingredients. 
4. Get it in your face.  This should serve 2 or 3. 

Yes, I stole this recipe from the golden grahams box.

You will need:

• Mini Marshmallows
• Chocolate chips
• Butter
• Vanilla
• Golden Grahams® cereal

STEP 1

Grease 13x9-inch pan with butter.

Set 1 cup of marshmallows aside.

Heat a pan, melt 1 1/2 cup chocolate chips, 3-5 TBLS butter, and 4ish cups marshmallows over low heat, stirring, until completely melted.

Remove from heat; stir in TSP of vanilla.

STEP 2

2 Pour cereal into large square baking pan. Pour chocomarshmallowbuttervanilla megamix over cereal; stir until evenly coated.

Stir in remaining 1 cup marshmallows.

STEP 3

pour mixture into greased 13x9-inch pan. Press smores megamix so evenly distributed among pan and let cool at room temp for an hour.

STEP 4

Smoke mad amounts of weed, Consume.

HAPPY 420! I’ll leave you with a 420 mix tape from my friend over at galactic scoundrels.

Portobello Bacon Mushroom Sauce

YOU WILL NEED:

• portobello mushrooms
• shallot
• garlic
• thick cut bacon
• rosemary
• maple syrup
• port / red wine
• cream
• butter
• grana padano or a sharp parmesan cheese

1. Wash a dry 2 Portobello Mushrooms. I’ve seen a lot of debate over removing the spores, I think they’re fine… others say they will leave fungal spores in your stomach and you will grow mushrooms; I call bullshit. If I were to stuff the mushroom, then absolutely. But for this, they’re fine.
   
   
2. Add all the stuff above in the order placed above…  
   
   • add vegetables and allow to sweat
   • add bacon and chopped mushrooms allow a few moments to cook bacon.
   • add maple syrup allow a moment to gell with the other flavors,
   • add port. reduce on a medium temperature
   • add cream or milk and reduce until desired consistency.

Serve on Pork Chops, Chicken, Pasta, Potatoes, Rice, Gnocchi, Burgers, and anything else you can think of.

Watch the video

Ghetto Version.

• mushrooms
• 1/2 and onion
• garlic
• bacon
• rosemary
• aunt jemima
• red wine
• milk
• butter
• parmesan cheese (optional)

(Source: mmmsauce)

Now that we’ve covered the basics of grilling, let’s talk a bit about what you’re going to be putting on said grill, and eventually into your face hole.

Let’s begin with STEAK

This is where I grew up. Calgary, Al-motherfucking-berta. otherwise known as Cowtown, home to the greatest outdoor show on earth . Beef runs in  our veins as much as the oil we use fuel our economy to buy it.

As an Albertan and butcher trade drop out, I know a little bit about beef.

I always get asked what are grilling steaks and what are marinating steaks. If you’re showing up to the block party with an eye of round, because it “looked like a good size” you’re doing it wrong.

THE LOIN RULE

I pretty much just made this up… but I can assure you, it’s legit.

Steak comes from the hind quarter of the cow.
Basically, if it’s got the word “Loin” in it, you’re good to grill… well, and the Rib Eye… the ribeye counts too.
“What about T-bones, Chris?” 

The T-Bone Steak is made up of the TenderLOIN (the smaller muscle) and the StripLOIN (the bigger muscle). It’s the BOSS of the BBQ.

The only thing greater than the T Bone a straight up tenderloin. Filet Mignon, bitch. Get it in your face at least once in your life. 

DISCLAIMER: The only exception to the “Loin” rule is the SirLOIN Tip. The reason for this, is because secretly, is also called the Round Tip or the Tri tip. It actually comes from the ROUND section of the hind quarter. It’s a really tough, muscle-ey part of the cow (right between the leg and the flank). 

Don’t get suckered in by the price of this bitch. It’s a chewy, unforgiving, shitty piece of meat without marinating or doing something to it when it comes to grilling.

Fun Fact: Sirloin Tip’s make great Kebobs… in case you give a fuck about that kind of shit.

Don’t get fooled between the Sirloin TIP and the TOP sirloin. The Top Sirloin is legit. I like this piece of meat becuase you can make it go a long way. I like using it to grill and put in wraps and make stir fry’s with. 

Marination

 
Steaks that need to be Marinated.

• FLANK Steak – cheap and awesome, IF you marinate it.

here is the BEST GODDAMNED FLANK STEAK MARINADE RECIPE IN THE WORLD. It’s so radical, it has been my birthday meal every year since I was 10.  It’s also my mom’s. Pretty sure it won’t let you down.

Another rule of steak (that I just made up) is; If it’s got “round” in it. You should marinate it.

    •    Eye of the round
    •    Inside round
    •    Outside round

I tend to stay away from the “Round” family altogether, unless I’m making a roast; even then, it’s rare that I’ll even bother with it… but that’s just me.

If you’re marinating sirloins (with the exception of the Tip) you’re doing it wrong, and probably ruining good steak.

That being said.
Marinades come in many types and flavors. There’s millions of awesome combinations to try. Throughout the course of our relationship I hope to inspire you enough and give you the fundamentals so you can start experimenting yourself.
Usual Suspects (depending on what you’re doing) include…

    •    Booze
    •    Soy or Worcestershire Sauce
    •    Acids (Vinegar, Citrus, etc)
    •    Sugars
    •    Spices
    •    Everything Nices

…and range in time needed from an hour up to 3 days.

 HOW TO COOK THE PREFECTEST STEAK EVAR

Once you’ve got your steak on the grill, there only 2 technique that come into play.  

The Finger Test. and resting it (see below)

If you poke it with ANYTHING, thermometer included or cut into it… I will punch you. Every grill is different, I strongly believe sea level is a factor… this is the most legit way of cooking a steak. Learn it, and you will swear by it.

ONLY FLIP IT ONCE. REFER TO THIS.

SEASONING

Personally, when it comes to seasoning steak, less is more.

If you’re going to put any type of salt on it (or any type of seasoning for that matter), do it WAY early. Not right before or while you’re cooking it.

Montreal Steak Spice is nice to put on after you’ve rested it, along with some garlic butter. mmmmmbitch.

If you’re drowning it in BBQ sauce… I can respect your life choice, but don’t condone it.

Do what you want. I’m not your real mom.

RESTING

THIS. IS. CRUCIAL!!!

Allow 5 minutes for your meat to rest on a warmed plate or cutting board.

Give it a while to allow the juices to redistribute throughout the meat…. Instead of all over your plate and into your mashed potatoes and salad.

This will create that perfect melt in your mouth sensation.

Stay Tuned!

Til next time,

GET IT IN YOUR FACE.

Summer is officially fucking ON.

Slurpee season is here, the after-works are longer, and it’s time to get out and celebrate life to the fullest. For me, a good part of that consists of grabbing a lawn chair, hearing the crack of a crisp beer and firing up the grill.

Hopefully by now you’ve at least removed the cover, filled up the propane bottle, burnt all the cobwebs and at least grilled something for the first time this season. This is a ritual in itself at my house; especially more so this year, with Mrs. Rivest and I recently acquiring a BBQ to mark our first year wedding anniversary.

Leading up to the first weekend of summer, I’m going to share with you some do’s and don’ts to make your BBQ season off the hook.

THE GRILL

I’m not going to go all fucking BBQ snob on you and say you need to cook on coals, with indirect heat using the smoke of the branch of a Pennantia Baylisiana tree. Fuck that.

Naturally, cooking over wood or coals makes shit taste fucking awesome - The whole purpose of cooking on a fire is a smokey flavor, yes - but lets be realistic. You’re probably rocking a propane BBQ or hibachi on the apartment balcony like the rest of us.. if you’re lucky enough to have a balcony and a BBQ at all.

Whether you’re using a Hibachi on the beach, a Webber on the Patio, a Broil King in the back yard or a Coleman in a campground, it matters not. Here’s what does.

SAFETY FIRST

You’re cooking with fire. Don’t be a dumb-ass.

KEEP IT CLEAN

With a BBQ, yes you want smoke… But not that kind of smoke. Grease smoke is fucking dangerous and nasty. Get it fixed. It’s not a cast Iron pan. Clean the box, scrape the grill and season it with oil.

Keep in mind, what you are cooking paid with it’s life for the minute of satisfaction you get when you sink your teeth into it. Respect that shit.

STAY AWAY FROM SALT

This is goes for any type of meat.

NEVER SALT YOUR MEAT WHILE COOKING.

Seriously.

I don’t care how much you love salt.

If you salt your meat while cooking it, it dries it out; making it tough, chewy and an overall unpleasant experience for everyone.

This includes MTL Steak Spice. STOP USING IT.

If you’re going to salt, do it early. Salt WILL help the muscle tissue break down, but it will also dry it out. If you do it, do it WAY before and let the moisture re-distribute.

For me, less is more.

DON’T SWEAT THE TECHNIQUE

Crank that shit to 11.

Start off with your grill as hot as possible. Then, turn it down to medium and put your meat on.

This will sear the outside immediately and make it so no juices can escape. Well, kinda… which brings me to my next point.

DON’T PLAY WITH YOUR MEAT

I know, it’s hard. You. Are. Man. You have a short intention span, you fidget and like to play with your meat. It’s in our nature.

LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE. The next time you feel the urge to flip, turn it.

When you’re ABSOLUTELY sure that your meat is past the halfway cooking mark, THEN flip it.

Every time you flip it, juices are forced out. You’ve also allowed the outer layer to cool a bit, and then when you flip it again, you’re cooking it again.

This is counter productive and only makes your meat tough. 

Turning your meat gives it grill marks like its a fuckin’ commercial for one of Monsanto’s subsidiaries… yummmmmm, bitch.

DON’T SQUASH THE BEEF

What the FUCK its the matter with you? Why would you do that? THIS DOESN’T MAKE IT COOK FASTER.

NEVER SQUISH YOUR MEAT INTO THE GRILL!

By doing this, You’re losing precious meatfatjuice!!! Just fucking stop it. There’s nothing to be accomplished by doing this… unless you want a flavorless hockey puck, in which case, go eat a fucking hockey puck.

THE LID

Do I close it? Do I leave it open? WHUDDOAIDO!?!?!?!?

I go with the “Side A closed, Side B open” technique.

Remember, opening the lid allows smoke and heat to escape. Sometimes it’s necessary, sometimes it’s just nice to as my friend Elorps, Bringer of the Heavy and frontman to the band The Press Gangs says, ”Make your offerings to the gods”.  

Stay tuned for my take on Steak, Chicken, Pork and Veggies.

Get it in your face.

 Chris.

(Source: rivestaurant.com)